But even then I had doubts as to
whether these feelings were right, because I felt love to God alone
without that ardent love for my fellow-creatures which Christians have
often felt. . . . I cannot say exactly what it is makes me reluctant
to speak of my feelings. It costs me an effort to express feeling of
any kind, but more particularly to speak of my private religious
feelings. If any one questions me, my first impulse is to conceal all
I can. As for expression of affection towards my brothers and sisters,
my companions or friends, the stronger the affection the less
inclination have I to express it. Yet sometimes I think myself the
most frank, open, and communicative of beings, and at other times the
most reserved. If you can resolve all these caprices into general
principles, you will do more than I can. Your speaking so much
philosophically has a tendency to repress confidence. We never wish to
have our feelings analyzed down; and very little, nothing, that we say
brought to the test of mathematical demonstration.
"It appears to me that if I only could adopt the views of God you
presented to my mind, they would exert a strong and beneficial
influence over my character. But I am afraid to accept them for
several reasons. First, it seems to be taking from the majesty and
dignity of the divine character to suppose that his happiness can be
at all affected by the conduct of his sinful, erring creatures.
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