Oh! I have been so false--so false
to myself, and so unwomanly! I have courted him, papa--_I_, papa--think
of it! I've thrown myself in his way, and--and made him interested in
me; and talked to him about things that--no one but his mother, or you,
should have done. Poor fellow!--I've forced myself upon him, papa. I
took advantage of his illness and helplessness, and pretended all the
time I was thinking only of his spiritual welfare, and--and not of--of
any thing else. That was the wickedest part. And yet, somehow, I
deceived myself too--or, rather, I wouldn't see the truth: and I didn't
know--papa, I really believe I didn't know that I--loved him, till
he--till he began to speak of it; then it seemed suddenly to fill all my
heart, as if it had always lived there. For I succeeded, papa: I've won
his love, and, oh! he loves me so! he loves me so! and so I've found my
punishment in my happiness. God is so just and good. The happier his
love makes me, you see, the more I shall be humbled to think how it
became mine. It is well for me, for I was proud and reserved and full of
self-conceit. And you really think it will not hurt him to love me, and
to have me love him, papa?"
"Stuff and nonsense!" growled the old gentleman, testily; "hurt him!"
But the professor was really a very wise man, in spite of his occasional
blindness; and he refrained from showing Sophie the exaggeration and
distortion which marked the view she took of her conduct.
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